I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. - George Carlin
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? - George Carlin
The planet is fine, the people are fucked. - George Carlin
Did you ever notice the people who are most adamantly against abortions are people so ugly you wouldn't want to fuck them in the first place? - George Carlin
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... you finish off as an orgasm. - George Carlin
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. - George Carlin
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? - George Carlin
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. - George Carlin
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too". - George Carlin
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library,the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Regan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore. - George Carlin
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? - George Carlin
Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that." - George Carlin
Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll to to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money! - George Carlin
This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen. - George Carlin
And if you're one of those people who needs a little space.... please... GO THE FUCK OUTSIDE!!! - George Carlin
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: eat, light, food, a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50-percent rate. - George Carlin
Deep Throat: Think about it. There is actually a semi-important figure in American history who is named for a blow-job move. How do school teachers handle this? - George Carlin
I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there - George Carlin
Thats all you got lady. Two wrong feet in fucking ugly shoes - Erin Brockovich
I have the power to bleed from my hands and talk to animals, ESPECIALLY CRABS! I AM THE EARTH MOTHER! If you need food, clothing, or babies, you must come to ME! From now on, I am the only woman who can give birth. You will rent the womb of the goddess. A QUARTER A POP! - Judy Tenuta
Absence makes the rod grow stronger! - Judy Tenuta
I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five two's - George Carlin
There's a letter in your mailbox! And you have to rectify the situation. - George Carlin
"Right! I know! I know! Well what I'm gonna do - I'm gonna have my testicles laminated!" - George Carlin
You know that word mixed, that the veternarian puts on the form when even he don't know what the fuck you got - George Carlin
"Hi! We're the JOHNSONS. What's his name?" "BALL SNIFFER! He's a crotch hound" - George Carlin
A good rule of thumb is keep the dog's ass below eye level - George Carlin
So we compromised and we got us a midsize dog "OOOOH! OOOOH! He smells my dog!" "No Marge, I don't believe that's the animal he has in mind." - George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house - George Carlin